My two year old daughter, Epiphany, has a developing interest in dressing herself. A typical sighting in my house is Epiphany sitting at the dining room table wearing a red beret with her pajamas. Accessorized with one blue winter mitten as she nonchalantly flips through a book and eats her breakfast. Sometimes she wears her favorite @ellasoul rainbow dress every day of the week, while other days she strolls around the garden in rain boots and overalls. In our home we do our best to give Epiphany freedom and validation to decide on her outward presentation each day.
When my husband and I go clothing shopping for our daughters it typically sends our conversations into a tailspin on identity, gender expression, and societal norms. Many times leaving us dizzy and conflicted with nothing in our shopping cart.
As young parents we are still feeling it out. All that we know for sure is that our wish is to cultivate a free, affirming space for our children to experiment with the presentation of their identity. We want to move out of their way and remove our influence from their process.
I can’t help but wonder though, is it truly possible to remove our influence from our children’s developing sense of style and self? And how important is it? How does race, class, and social standing influence it all?
I think about how for many parents of color the way we dress our children is about safety. Knowing that our children will be judged more harshly we are meticulous about the way we send our babies into the world. Groomed hair and clean shoes are meant to send the message “I come from a good home where I am loved. Be kind to me”.
There are so many layers and dynamics to contend with. But what if there weren’t? What if we could truly allow for complete freedom of choice for our children. Beyond this, what if we could do the same for ourselves? What if there were no rules or standards or threats in the way of us presenting ourselves authentically to the world? Would if we could just dress for ourselves? What would we choose?
That is what my daughter does. She dresses for herself. How can we nurture that for as long as we can?
At the moment we do a simple, neutral wardrobe for everyday play. Keeping in mind that children develop their unique sense of style over time. Through their lived experiences they develop their perspective. Then they project their perspective in their presentation of themselves to the world. By dressing them in simple, neutral clothing we provide them with a blank canvas to paint their ideas. We eliminate our influence. We get out of the way of their process. To allow the space and time for her style identity to develop, we dress Epiphany in these everyday basics, such as grey leggings with a white tshirt, without giving choices. Making clothing just a utilitarian tool for play for now.
We also provide a collection of colorful, eclectic clothing items to freely choose if she feels inspired. This wardrobe embodies the full spectrum of expression from sparkly party dresses to boyish button downs. She has freedom to experiment and be affirmed in whatever she chooses.
Resources
One of my favorite books to find inspiration on this from a conscious parenting perspective is Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.