As I was leaving the playground with my daughter and husband yesterday I noticed a sweet little family walk pass. The mama and I exchanged polite greetings and that look that we give each other that says “Who knew it would be this hard? Hang in there.” She and her husband then gathered their two babes and began to wrangle them into their carseats. Suddenly I heard a sharp cry escape from the mouth of the older boy. His papa had accidentally pinched the boy’s finger in the carseat buckle (who hasn’t accidentally done that a time or two). I saw as the mama froze with that racing-heart look we all get when we hear pain in our child’s cry. “He’s fine” the papa said as the child continued to cry out. The mama moved towards her son “He’s fine! You’re going to make that boy soft.” the papa protested. The mama moved away reluctantly from her crying child and they drove off. I felt such compassion for that mama. I felt sad for that boy who was left without comfort. Without someone to say “That looks like it really hurt. Would you like a hug?” I also felt empathy for that papa who has been socialized to stifle his emotions and project that onto his child. “F*ck the patriarchy” I whispered to myself.
Boys Will Be Boys
The most radical thing we can do for our boys is to allow them to experience the full spectrum of their humanity- this includes their vulnerability, sensitivity, pain, and softness. Especially our boys of color. The world will be harder on them so let us provide a soft place to land. Let us be their sanctuary. Let us ensure, even if only once in their life, that our boys experience boundless love that allows them to be themselves fully. Telling our boys to “stop crying” and “toughen up” does not build resilience, it breeds resentment. It says “you are not good enough the way you are and I am trying to fix you”. Our boys will get enough of that in the world. Let us not perpetuate more of the same.
We do not have to let the oppression of the world penetrate the walls of our home. Sadly our oppressive society doesn’t support our boy’s emotional health but in the safety of our homes we can gift our sons with freedom. Without shame or judgement of ourselves, it is important that we evaluate the ideals taught to us by a society built on racism and sexism. That we question ourselves- Why does it make me feel uncomfortable to see my son crying? What may need unlearning, relearning, and healing in me and my partner? How am I projecting my trauma on to my child. Many of us were told as children that it was not ok to be ourselves. We were told that we needed fixing when we longed for the validation of our parents. How might we begin to reckon with the pain of our inner child? Our inner child that may believe “I needed to be fixed and I need to fix my child”. How can we liberate ourselves in order to liberate our sons?
Instead of trying to “toughen up” our boys let’s teach them healthy coping strategies for their difficult emotions. Instead of “stop crying” let’s offer “Its ok to cry. That means that you are experiencing pain. And when you’re in pain I am here for you” because pain is not shameful or gendered. Pain shouldn’t be swallowed. When our boys feel sad or vulnerable we can offer them the language to name their feelings- “I see that you are crying because you feel frustrated about your LEGO tower falling apart. It’s ok to feel frustrated when things don’t go the way we hoped. Would you like a hug or some help rebuilding it?” Let’s validate for our boys that it’s human to feel emotions. Let’s name the feeling, acknowledge why we’re feeling it, offer it space, then work towards recovering from it. This is how true resilience is born. Resilience that is deeply rooted in the belief that “I am loved, safe, and good enough. I can get through hard things”.
Resilience is a muscle that strengthens over time. Children are not meant to be resilient or tough or withstanding. They are hardwired to be dependent, vulnerable beings. Because the purpose of childhood is to create the strong bonds that will lead to resilience and independence. We are their safe place that allows for the full exploration of their complete humanity. Resilience is learned over time when our boys know that they are held, loved, and safe during difficult times.
We do not put a steak with a knife and fork in front of our newborn and say “eat”. We don’t allow them to be hungry and say “toughen up” when they begin to cry. We understand that their limitations are developmentally appropriate. So we put them in our arms and we feed them until they can feed themselves. Emotional maturity is no different. The ability to be emotionally grounded takes nurturing care and it is just as vital as learning to eat.